How Ego Hurts Relationships & What Healthy Self-Esteem Looks Like Instead
When we think about what hurts relationships, we often point to the obvious: communication problems, trust issues, or misaligned values. But in my therapy practice, one of the most common, and often overlooked, barriers I see in relationships is ego.
Ego doesn’t always show up as arrogance. More often, it slips in quietly as defensiveness, shutting down, or the need to be right. Over time, these patterns create walls where closeness and intimacy are meant to grow.
I was recently asked to share my thoughts on this topic with SheKnows.com. Their questions inspired me to write more about it here and I’m excited to share it with you.
In this post, I’ll explore the difference between ego and healthy self-esteem, the ways ego can interfere with connection, and practical steps you can take to nurture love that feels grounded and safe.
Ego vs. Healthy Self-Esteem
In sessions, this question comes up often: “How do I know if what I’m feeling is healthy confidence, or if it’s just my ego talking?” It’s an important distinction, because while both can look similar on the surface, they feel very different in relationships. For example:
Healthy self-esteem is rooted in an inner sense of worth. It’s the quiet confidence that allows you to feel grounded, capable, and trust yourself even when someone disagrees with you or sees things differently. It doesn’t depend on being right or being praised.
Ego-driven behavior, on the other hand, relies on external validation. It needs to win, to be admired, or to stay in control in order to feel safe. And when that doesn’t happen, defensiveness, comparison, or shutting down often follow.
Put simply: self-esteem opens the door to curiosity and connection. Ego closes it, creating distance and disconnection.
How Ego Gets in the Way of Relationships
In my work with young couples, I often see ego slip in during the small, everyday moments. A partner shares that something hurt them, and instead of listening, the other quickly gets defensive. What could have been an opportunity for closeness turns into a competition about who’s “more right.”
Ego shows up in many ways, such as:
Struggling to apologize without adding justification.
Turning disagreements into battles that need to be “won.”
Comparing yourself or your partner to others.
Minimizing your partner’s feelings because they feel uncomfortable or threatening.
Research supports this observation. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that defensiveness and self-protective behaviors in couples are linked to lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict over time. What feels like self-protection in the moment often creates distance and weakens the bond in the long run.
Why Do We Lead From Ego Sometimes
It’s easy to judge ourselves, or our partners, for being defensive or prideful. But ego responses don’t come out of nowhere. They usually develop as a way to protect us when we were younger.
If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were punished, or criticized, where love felt conditional, or where vulnerability wasn’t safe, then defensiveness as a self-protection probably served you well. Ego helped you survive situations where being open or soft might have felt too risky, or dangerous.
In therapy, we describe ego-driven reactions as a “protective strategy.” Instead of letting someone see your insecurity or fear, ego steps in with pride, control, or criticism. The goal isn’t to hurt the relationship, it’s to protect your sense of self.
The problem is that what once kept you safe can, later in life, block the intimacy you crave. In adulthood, leading with ego can prevent the very closeness and security you long for in childhood.
The compassionate truth is this: if you tend to lead with ego, it doesn’t mean you’re selfish or unloving. It means you learned to protect yourself from a hostile environment growing up.
What To Do If Ego Is Hurting Your Relationship
If you recognize yourself or your partner in these patterns, you’re not alone. Ego shows up for everyone. It's simply part of being human. What matters is noticing it and choosing something different.
Here are some steps I often encourage young couples to practice:
Pause before reacting. When you feel defensive, take a breath. Ask: “Am I protecting myself or the relationship?”
Name what’s underneath. Often, ego hides more tender emotions like hurt, fear, shame. Accessing those first, identifying them, and then sharing them with your partner creates connection instead of defensiveness.
Practice vulnerability. Saying, “I felt insecure when you said that” opens the door to repair in ways that arguing never will. It gives your partner the chance to show up caring rather than combative.
Build emotional safety. In healthy relationships, both partners feel seen and validated. When emotional safety is present, ego doesn’t have too much room to grow.
A Note From My Practice
In my work with young women and couples here in New York City, I see how often ego gets mistaken for strength, or self-esteem. It can look like holding your ground, refusing to apologize, or needing to be right at all costs. But real strength in relationships doesn’t come from pride. It comes from the willingness to stay open, and curious even when it feels safer to shut down.
Healthy relationships ask us to trade being right for connection, and pride for humility. That shift is one of the major core elements of real intimacy.
If you’ve noticed ego creating distance in your own relationship, you’re not alone. In couples therapy for young adults, I help clients learn how to move from self-protection into trust, from defensiveness into deeper connection. At Psychotherapy for Young Women, we help you slowly replace those defenses with healthier tools, like self-esteem, emotional regulation, and vulnerability, that allow love to actually feel safe. If this resonates with you, we want to hear from you! Reach out to us below:
