How to Spot Red Flags in a Relationship—Before You Get Too Deep

If you're a young woman navigating the modern dating world, you've likely found yourself wondering: Is this a red flag… or am I overthinking it? You’re not alone.

I recently spoke with Vogue about this very question. How to recognize red flags in a relationship early on and why so many of us struggle to trust our instincts when something feels off. As a therapist in New York City working closely with Gen Z and millennial women, I see this pattern every day in my practice: smart, thoughtful women who are emotionally generous, but second-guess themselves when it comes to dating dynamics that don’t feel right.

And the truth is, it’s not your fault. Many of us were never taught how to identify red flags, or what to do with that inner discomfort when it arises.

In this blog, I’ll walk you through:

• What red flags actually look like in the early stages of dating

• Why many women miss them (or minimize them)

• How your nervous system might be reacting long before your brain catches on

• And how therapy can help you recognize your worth, set stronger boundaries, and choose emotionally safe relationships

The term red flag gets thrown around a lot these days. But in therapy, we look at red flags as patterns of behavior that suggest a person may not be able (or willing) to engage in a healthy, emotionally safe relationship. These aren’t one-off mistakes or awkward moments. Red flags are signs of emotional immaturity, manipulation, or poor relational skills that can lead to deeper issues if left unaddressed.

Here are some early relationship red flags I commonly see and discuss with my clients during therapy sessions:

• Love-bombing followed by emotional withdrawal or inconsistency

• Avoiding accountability, especially after hurting your feelings

• Making jokes that mock your emotions, values, or boundaries

• Fast-forwarding intimacy without building emotional safety

• Getting defensive or shutting down when you express your needs

• Creating confusion or uncertainty—especially through mixed signals

• You feel like you’re “too sensitive” or “always the problem”

What makes red flags tricky is that they often come wrapped in charm or chemistry. That person may be exciting, charismatic, or “really good on paper.” But underneath that surface, your nervous system might be picking up cues that something’s not aligned.

Why Smart, Self-Aware Women Miss Red Flags

One of the biggest questions I hear from clients is: “Why didn’t I see the signs?”

The answer often lies in early attachment dynamics and social conditioning. Many women, especially those who grew up in emotionally unpredictable households, learned to override their internal signals in order to preserve love and connection with their “loved one” (originally the parents). They may have become attuned to other people’s moods, needs, or approval at the expense of their own emotional safety.

In adulthood, that shows up as:

• Justifying inconsistent behavior

• Ignoring gut feelings of discomfort

• Believing love must be earned through self-sacrifice

• Feeling responsible for managing the emotional tone of the relationship

And culturally, women are still praised for being low-maintenance, chill, and endlessly accommodating. When you add the anxiety of dating apps, ghosting, and the pressure to “find your person,” it’s easy to see how emotional red flags get minimized in favor of potential.

Your Body Often Knows Before Your Brain

One of the most powerful things I shared with Vogue, and something I regularly help my female clients explore in therapy, is how your body often reacts before your mind can fully process what's going on.

Have you ever noticed:

• Tightness in your chest before or after seeing someone?

• A sense of walking on eggshells when texting or talking to them?

• A gut feeling of dread, even when you "should" be happy?

These are nervous system cues. Your body is trying to protect you, sometimes from patterns you haven’t fully named yet.

In therapy for women, we work on tuning back into those signals. Trusting them more. You learn how to regulate anxiety, differentiate intuition from fear, and develop a strong inner voice that says, “This doesn’t feel right, and I don’t have to stay.”

What Healthy Relationships Feel Like

Let’s be clear: no relationship is perfect. But healthy relationships do have consistent qualities to look for. Some examples of healthy relationship traits (or green flags!) are:

• You feel emotionally safe and understood

• You can express your needs without fear of backlash

• Boundaries are respected, not dismissed or punished

• Conflict can be addressed without emotional chaos

• You feel like your whole self, not a curated or muted version

A healthy relationship won’t leave you questioning your worth. It won’t stir up daily anxiety or cause you to lose sleep wondering where you stand.

How Therapy Can Help You Date With Clarity and Confidence

Therapy provides a nonjudgmental space to unpack your dating history, identify patterns, and build new relational blueprints. For many of the young women I work with, the process of healing involves unlearning people-pleasing, recognizing their attachment style, and practicing boundaries that protect their peace.

In my work with women I usually like to explore:

• Why certain relationship patterns repeat

• What your nervous system is trying to tell you

• How to honor red flags instead of explaining them away

• What healthy, mutual love actually looks and feels like

If you’re a young woman who’s tired of second-guessing yourself in dating, know this: you deserve a relationship where you feel seen, respected, and emotionally safe. You don’t have to settle for confusion or emotional crumbs.

Ready to start trusting yourself in love again?

If you’ve been second-guessing yourself in dating or struggling to trust what you feel, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Therapy for Women can be a space to reconnect with your inner voice, understand your patterns, and start choosing relationships that feel safe, steady, and real.

If this speaks to you, I’d love to connect! Reach out below for a free phone consultation and see if therapy feels like the right next step.