Should You Do Couples Therapy Before Getting Married?

You're not in a crisis. You love each other, you laugh at the same things, and know what you want out of life. Lately your conversations have drifted from where to get dinner to what a wedding would even cost, and whose family gets which holiday after we get married. Then one of you says, half joking, "Should we do couples therapy before we get married?" And the other says, "But why if nothing's wrong?"

Here's my honest answer as a therapist: nothing being “wrong” is exactly the perfect time to start therapy.

Therapy isn't only for when things fall apart

Most people picture couples therapy as the last stop before a breakup: two people at opposite ends of a couch, barely speaking. That does happen, and we're glad to help when it does. But many of the couples we see in our Flatiron office are doing well. They come in because they're about to make a big commitment and they want to go in with their eyes open. Feeling strong and secure. 

Think of it like talking to a financial advisor before you buy an apartment. You're not going because you're broke. You're going because the decision is big, and a little expert perspective now can save you a lot of pain later.

Couples therapy before engagement can be short and focused. You're not signing up for years of weekly sessions. You're setting aside a few months to talk through the things that tend to surface later, when they're much harder to untangle.

What you actually talk about in couples therapy before marriage

Every couple is different, but these are some topics we see come up again and again:

Money. Not just how much you each make, but what money means to you. Security, freedom, status, guilt. In New York, where rent can swallow a paycheck, this one matters a lot.

Family. How close you are with your parents, what you learned about love growing up, and how much say your families will have in your life together.

Ambition and geography. Whose career leads, and when? Is New York forever, or is one of you quietly planning an escape to the suburbs or another country?

Kids. Whether, when, how many, and what parenting looks like to you. "We'll figure it out" is not something you want to discover you disagree on at 36.

Sex and desire over time. What happens when the early spark settles into something steadier, and how you'll talk about it when it does. (If this is on your mind, our post on how often couples should have sex is a good place to start.)

Conflict. Not whether you fight, but how you fight. Who shuts down, who pushes, and what each of you needs in order to find your way back to each other.

Home life. Who does what, and whether it feels fair. If you've already moved in together, you know how quickly a sink full of dishes becomes about something bigger. We wrote about that in the top challenges of moving in together.

You don't have to resolve any of this before you get engaged. The goal is to understand each other's answers, and to know you can talk about the hard stuff without it turning into a standoff.

Signs it might be a good time to start

You don't need a reason to come in, but couples often reach out to us when:

• Engagement or Marriage is on the table, and one or both of you feel a little anxious about it

• You keep circling the same argument and never get anywhere

• You come from very different families, cultures, or religious backgrounds

• One of you wants to move, change careers, or start a family sooner than the other

• You've been through a hard season (a loss, a layoff, a stretch of long distance) and want to reset

• You simply want to build this well, on purpose. Intentionally.

What couples therapy looks like with us

Every therapist on our team is a marriage and family therapist. That matters because we're trained to look at the relationship itself, not only the two people in it. We notice the patterns between you: the dance you do when you're stressed, the roles you slip into, and the stories each of you brought from home.

Our style is warm and direct. We won't just nod along. We'll ask the question you've both been stepping around, and then help you actually talk about it. Most couples tell us sessions feel less like being analyzed and more like finally having the conversation they couldn't manage on their own.

Premarital therapy is usually a focused series of sessions with a clear beginning and end. We start with what you want to strengthen, work through the topics that matter most to you, and finish with a shared sense of where you're headed. You can meet with us in person at our Flatiron office, or online from anywhere in New York.

"Won't therapy make us look for problems?"

It's the worry we hear most, and it's a fair one. Premarital couples therapy doesn't create problems. It makes room for the ones that are already there, so they don't grow quietly in the dark. Most couples leave feeling closer, and with tons of clarity because they've learned they can bring up something uncomfortable and still feel like a team.

If you do uncover a real difference, like one of you wanting kids and the other not, it's far better to find out now, with an expert marriage and family therapist to support you, than five years and one mortgage down the road alone.

Starting your next chapter on solid ground

Getting married is one of the most exciting decisions you'll ever make. Doing a little intentional work beforehand doesn't take the romance out of it. It's a way of saying, "This matters enough to do it well.", “You matter enough to me”.

If you and your partner are in New York and thinking about your future together, we'd love to meet you. Our team of couples therapists work with Gen Z and Millennial couples every day on exactly this topic. If you want to find out how we can help you, a short free intro call is the easiest way to find out!

Learn more about our couples therapy for young adults in NYC.