How People-Pleasing Can Ruin Your Sex Life?A Guide for Young Couples
If you’ve ever found yourself saying “yes” when you really meant “no” or prioritizing your partner’s needs while neglecting your own, you’re not alone! As a relationship therapist, I've helped many young adults express their desires, especially about intimacy, in couples therapy. People-pleasing stems from wanting love, acceptance, or avoiding conflict. However, it can slowly damage relationships.
So, how do you break free from this cycle and cultivate a more fulfilling, authentic sex life? In this blog, I’ll share expert tips and actionable steps to help you find your voice, set healthy boundaries, and create real intimacy. Let’s dive in!
What Is People-Pleasing?
According to Psychology Today, a "people pleaser" is someone who really wants to make others happy. They often put others' needs above their own well-being. This can make people ignore their boundaries. They might hide their true feelings to avoid conflict or seek approval.
At some point, people-pleasers come to believe that other people’s needs take priority over their own. They consistently put themselves second, often neglecting their own well-being. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and even depression.
People-pleasing has a far greater effect on young adults and young couples than any other age group. Young adulthood is a crucial time for self-discovery and identity formation. So, many young adults are still figuring out who they are, what they want out of life, and how they want to show up in relationships. They may be more prone to prioritizing the needs of others because of fear of disapproval, abandonment, or rejection.
How People-Pleasing Affects Your Sex Life?
People-pleasing in the bedroom often means putting a partner’s wants and pleasure first. This can lead to ignoring or hiding your own desires and not experiencing a real sense of intimacy. This can manifest in several ways:
Saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no': This one is very common for people-pleasers! They often have trouble setting and communicating boundaries. This can lead them to agree to sexual experiences that don’t feel right for them. Over time, this erodes trust with themselves and their partner.
People-pleasers try hard to make others happy: They often care more about their partner's feelings than their own. This means they miss out on enjoying the moment.This makes intimacy feel like a duty rather than an expression of connection.
Fear of expressing desires: A people-pleaser often holds back their wants in bed. They fear judgment, rejection, or being seen as "too much." This can result in unsatisfying sex and unmet emotional needs.
Resentment can grow if you always puts your partner first: This can lead to emotional distance, break in trust, and a drop in sexual intimacy.
A lack of authentic connection exists: True intimacy needs vulnerability. People-pleasing stems from a belief that being your true self feels unsafe. This makes it hard to create a deep emotional and sexual bond.
How to Stop People-Pleasing?
Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing is key to developing a healthier, more fulfilling sex life. Here are some tips on how you can start reclaiming your sexual autonomy:
Understand the source: Many young adults show people-pleasing as a common trauma response. It often stems from emotional or physical neglect in childhood. This can help young adults tell old survival habits apart from today's reality. Put simply, keep childhood relationships apart from current ones.
Practice boundary-setting: Saying “no” is an essential skill in both relationships and sex. Begin with small, everyday boundaries. Then, work up to expressing your sexual boundaries clearly and without guilt.
Focus on internal awareness instead of seeking external validation. People-pleasers need to learn to check in with their own feelings first. Then, they can think about how their partner might react. Asking, “What do I want in this moment?” can be a powerful practice.
Share your wants and worries openly. It’s important to express your needs, whether they are sexual or emotional. It may feel strange at first. However, talking openly about pleasure, consent, and comfort can be powerful ways to build intimacy!
Build self-worth beyond approval. Many people-pleasers link their sense of worth to how well they are meeting others' needs. This is wrong. Discovering your real desires, and treating yourself kindly, can shift your mindset.
Consider seeing a therapist. Unlearning people-pleasing habits, especially in relationships, often takes deeper self-reflection and work. It’s not easy, but with the right guidance, everyone is capable to do so! Therapy can be an excellent space for young couples to explore and heal the fears underlying the pattern. Therapy helps you recognize the deep-rooted beliefs that make you feel responsible for others’ emotions or afraid to set boundaries. By challenging these beliefs, you can begin to shift your mindset, and break free from people-pleasing patterns.
Final Thoughts
So much can be said about sexual intimacy. However, there’s an universal rule: Sex and intimacy flourish in environments where authenticity, reciprocal pleasure and emotional safety reign. Though it is often well intentioned, people-pleasing can upset the balance of power and pleasure in relationships. To conquer this, you have to make room for honoring your desires just as much as you do for your partner's.
A fulfilling sex life requires both parties to feel known, acknowledged and gratified. If you are a young adult struggling with people-pleasing, please reach out. Our team of couples therapists are passionate about guiding Gen Z and Millennial adults to find balance and authentic pleasure in their relationships. A healthier relationship starts with a healthier self. Ready to take the first step? We want to hear from you!
