The Worst Things to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed & What to Say Instead
What I shared with Time Magazine about how to truly support someone who's struggling with Depression.
When someone you care about tells you they’re depressed, your instinct might be to fix it, to offer advice, find the silver lining, or cheer them up. But sometimes, what we say with the best intentions can land the wrong way, leaving the person feeling more isolated, misunderstood, or ashamed.
This is something I was recently asked to speak about in an interview for Time Magazine, where I shared what I’ve seen in my clinical practice at Psychotherapy for Young Women. These delicate moments of vulnerability, when someone opens up about their pain, are sacred. And how we respond matters more than we think.
In this blog, I’ll walk you through some of the worst things to say to someone who’s depressed, why they don’t work, and what to say instead. All grounded in psychological research and years of working with young adults who’ve been on the receiving end of these painful statements.
“It could be worse.”
On the surface, this sounds like a nudge toward perspective. The intention is to lift them up. But underneath, it invalidates someone’s pain by comparing it to someone else’s. Research on emotional validation shows that when people feel dismissed or minimized, their emotional distress increases, not decreases. Therefore, this comparison, even if well intentioned, will never work.
What to say instead:
- “What you’re going through sounds really painful. I’m glad you told me.”
This creates space for emotional honesty without judgment, a key factor in co-regulation and safety, according to Dialectical Behavior Therapy
2. “Have you tried exercising/eating healthier?”
Yes, lifestyle changes can support mental health, we all know that. But when someone is experiencing clinical depression, they’re often already carrying a heavy weight of exhaustion, shame, and executive dysfunction. Suggesting simple “fixes” can unintentionally send the message that they just need to try harder. As if it’s about willpower rather than brain chemistry, emotional pain, or profound loss. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Most people struggling with depression are already giving it everything they have. But depression changes the way the brain functions. It slows you down, makes it hard to concentrate, and pushes you into isolation. What might look like a lack of effort from the outside is often a direct symptom of the illness itself.
Imagine pushing against a wall with all your strength, and it still doesn’t budge. That’s what depression feels like for many of my clients. In that context, telling someone to eat more greens or take a walk isn’t just unhelpful, it can feel deeply invalidating.
What to say instead:
- “Would it help to talk to someone about how you’re feeling?”
This shifts the focus from individual responsibility to relational support and encourages seeking professional care, which is shown to be highly effective, especially when depression is moderate to severe.
3. “But you seem fine.”
This is something I hear often in the therapy room. Especially from high-achieving, high-functioning young women who’ve become experts at masking their pain. Comments like these add subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressure to keep performing, rather than making space for vulnerability and honesty.
But more than anything, this kind of thinking is rooted in a common misconception about depression: the idea that you can only be “really” depressed if you can’t function at all, or if you never laugh or have moments of joy. That simply isn’t clinically true.
Many people with depression continue going to work, and showing up socially. That doesn’t make their pain any less real. So not only is this comment invalidating, it’s also misinformed.
What to say instead:
- “I see you, and I believe you, even when you seem fine on the outside. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
Letting someone know you’re attuned to their invisible struggle is powerful. Attachment research shows that consistent, responsive presence builds emotional safety.
4. “Everyone feels that way sometimes.”
This sounds like an attempt to normalize. But while everyone may feel sad, not everyone experiences the chronic weight, fatigue, hopelessness, or numbness that often comes with clinical depression. Equating these experiences can lead someone to feel even more alone, and misunderstood. Reinforcing the idea that there is something wrong with them.
What to say instead:
- “That sounds heavy. I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”
This kind of presence invites someone to go deeper without fearing they’ll be dismissed.
5. “You just need to snap out of it.”
This is one of the most damaging responses. It reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of depression as a choice, rather than a condition that affects mood, motivation, cognition, and even physical energy. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, over 21 million adults in the U.S. experienced a major depressive episode in 2021, and yet, stigma still prevents many from seeking help early.
What to say instead:
- “I may not know exactly what you’re going through, but I care deeply and want to support you.”
When people feel seen rather than judged, they’re more likely to reach out for professional support and less likely to isolate.
Why These Responses Matter
The way we respond to depression isn’t just about being polite. It's about reducing shame, increasing safety, and helping people access support earlier. Emotional invalidation can increase depressive symptoms, while emotional validation and connection play a protective role.
Many of my clients say that what helped them finally reach out was a moment when someone just listened, really listened, without trying to fix or reframe it. That’s what we all want, really. To feel like our pain matters. That someone can sit with us in the dark without judgement and without turning away.
Conclusion
If someone trusts you enough to share that they’re depressed, remember: it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to stay close. Your response can either open the door to connection or quietly close access to mental health care altogether.
And if you’re the one struggling right now, know this: your feelings are valid. You don’t have to go through it alone. Depression is real, treatable, and help is available.
If you’re a woman looking for therapy in NYC and want to talk to someone who understands the unique pressures young women face today, we’re here for you. Reach out today to learn more about starting therapy with us, and how we can help.
