Understanding secondhand trauma in women who care deeply.

If you’ve ever found yourself emotionally drained after listening to a friend’s crisis, or felt physically tense after scrolling through upsetting news, or noticed that your sleep, mood, or sense of hope has shifted after caring for others, it’s absolutely possible that you have experienced vicarious trauma (also called secondary traumatic stress, or secondhand trauma)

Vicarious trauma is what happens when we internalize the pain, and trauma of those around us, often without realizing it. While it’s most commonly discussed among helping professionals (like therapists, nurses, teachers, or social workers), anyone who cares deeply is vulnerable to its effects.

As a trauma therapist working with young women in New York, I see this often. Especially in clients who are emotionally attuned, empathetic, or drawn to caregiving roles. These are the women who show up for others, who learned to hold space, who rarely ask for help themselves. Over time, that kind of emotional exposure can take a quiet, cumulative toll, that I would like to unpack and discuss in this post.

What Is Vicarious Trauma?

Vicarious trauma is the emotional residue of bearing witness to another person’s suffering. Unlike burnout, which is more about chronic stress and depletion, vicarious trauma specifically relates to absorbing traumatic material from others (stories of violence, abuse, loss, or pain) until it starts to shape your own inner world.

It’s not something conscious that you choose, of course. It’s something that happens when your mirror neurons, nervous system, and sense of empathy kick into gear and stay there too long, without enough recovery time or support.

According to the American Counseling Association (ACA), vicarious trauma “can leave caregivers feeling emotionally depleted, anxious, numb, or even disoriented.” It’s often accompanied by intrusive thoughts, difficulty sleeping, a heightened sense of danger, or a shift in one’s worldview, which are common symptoms that mimic those of PTSD. Importantly, ACA emphasizes that vicarious trauma doesn't only affect professionals. it can also affect anyone who’s emotionally impacted by others’ pain, particularly over time.

Common Sources of Vicarious Trauma:

Being the “go-to” emotional support for friends or family in crisis
Watching graphic or distressing content online (yes, doomscrolling counts!)
Supporting a loved one through illness, grief, or addiction
Working in high-stress care professions like therapy, medicine, advocacy, or crisis response

Signs of Vicarious Trauma

Vicarious trauma doesn’t always show up in dramatic or clear ways. In my work with young women, it often creeps in slowly, camouflaged as irritability, emotional fatigue, or self-doubt.

Here are some common signs:

Emotional numbness or shutdown
Heightened anxiety or fear, especially around safety or control
Intrusive thoughts or replaying someone else’s trauma in your mind
Sleep disturbances or nightmares
Difficulty feeling hopeful about the future or the world
Guilt for having boundaries or needing space
Avoidance of people or situations that used to feel manageable
Increased self-criticism or questioning your ability to help

Many women describe it as “carrying other people’s pain in my body.” You might find yourself crying unexpectedly, feeling exhausted in a way you can’t explain, or feeling less like yourself, even though you haven’t “been through anything” personally. That’s the thing about vicarious trauma…it’s real, and it has a real effect, even when it didn’t happen to you!

Why Women Are Especially Vulnerable to Vicarious Trauma

Women, especially Gen Z and Millennials, are often socialized to be caregivers, to hold emotional space, to be “strong for others.” Whether you’re the big sister, the best friend, the advocate, or the therapist, this internalized expectation to be endlessly available can create a perfect storm for vicarious trauma.

We’re also living in a time of constant exposure to collective trauma: mass violence, genocide, climate anxiety, and political unrest. And for women from marginalized backgrounds, that exposure often comes with lived trauma of their own. Meaning that what looks like vicarious trauma may also be reactivated pain from the past.

How to Begin Healing

Recognizing vicarious trauma is the first step. You’re not overreacting. You’re not “too sensitive.” Your nervous system is responding exactly the way a deeply empathetic and emotionally attuned system would.

Here’s where I believe healing from vicarious trauma happens:

Name it without shame. Vicarious trauma doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’ve been strong for too long without support.
Set gentle boundaries. Being a good friend or partner doesn’t mean being always available.. It’s okay to pause, say no, or reduce the amount of support you give per day (or week!)

Balance exposure with recovery. If you’re taking on a lot of hard things (at work, online, or emotionally), you must carve out time for grounding and regulation of your nervous system. You don’t have an unlimited amount of firing neurons. They need to recharge every day (just like your cell phone’s battery does!).
Prioritize nervous system care. Rest, movement, mindfulness, creativity, and connection aren’t luxuries. They're science based trauma prevention tools.
Seek trauma-informed support. Therapy for trauma can help you process what you’re carrying, return to yourself, and reconnect to your own inner world.

A Note from My Practice

In my work with young women in New York, I hear the same quiet questions come up again and again:

Why am I so tired when I’ve done “nothing”?
Why does that story stay with me for days?
Why do I feel so heavy when nothing bad has happened to me directly?

This is what vicarious trauma can look like. Quiet. Accumulated. Deeply felt.

Naming it doesn’t mean you’re being dramatic or making it all about you. It means you’re starting to pay attention to what your nervous system has been trying to tell you, all along. That you are holding way too much and that it’s time to slowly return to yourself.

If what you read resonates, you’re not alone. Trauma therapy can help you make sense of it, find steadier ground, and reconnect with your own needs. We’ve walked this path ourselves. And when you’re ready, we’re here to walk it with you. Reach out below!

Vicarious Trauma: What It Is and How to Recognize It in Yourself