What Is “The Ick” in Dating & Can You Move Past It?
Inspired by my contribution to Vogue Magazine.
In my work as a couples therapist in New York City, I often hear clients, especially young women, ask some variation of the question: “I got the ick… Does this mean the relationship is doomed?”
“The ick” is one of those cultural buzzwords that exploded thanks to TikTok and millennial/Gen Z dating culture, but it reflects something very real and human: the moment of romantic repulsion or discomfort that feels disproportionate and difficult to explain. It could be the way someone chews, their use of emojis, or how they pose in photos. Underneath the surface, there’s often more going on emotionally.
What Is “The Ick”, Really?
“The ick” is a sudden drop in attraction, sometimes sparked by a minor behavior or quirk that previously went unnoticed. While it may seem superficial, “the ick” can trigger a visceral reaction of embarrassment, irritation, or even disgust. But I want to talk about what’s actually happening underneath the surface of those initial feelings?
From a psychological lens, “the ick” often emerges when the fantasy of who someone “could be” starts to fall apart. It can be a response to discomfort with vulnerability, intimacy, or our own projections. In some cases, it’s a defense mechanism, like our body saying, “You’re getting close, and that feels scary.”
A 2022 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that people with avoidant attachment styles often cope with intimacy by focusing on minor flaws in their partner, lowering relationship satisfaction. This reflects what many describe as “the ick” as a distancing tool when intimacy starts to deepen.
Is “The Ick” a Red Flag or a Fear of Intimacy?
Not all icks are created equal or coming from the same place. Some “icks” are trivial, like the way someone eats cereal, and may be more about your discomfort with closeness than a real issue in the relationship. Others, however, could point to deeper incompatibilities or red flags. For example, superficial icks may sound like:
“I can’t get over the way he texts me goodnight.”
“She claps at the end of movies and it gives me secondhand embarrassment.”
“He mispronounces words and now it’s all I can hear.”
These may stem from performance anxiety, internalized shame, or idealized standards reinforced by social media. On the other hand, deeper red flags might sound like:
“He interrupts me constantly and makes me feel small.”
“She dismisses my feelings when I’m vulnerable.”
“He shames me for my past relationships.”
Here, the discomfort isn’t fleeting but instead it’s tied to patterns that compromise emotional safety and respect. When in doubt, pay attention to how your body feels. Do you feel dismissed, anxious, or unseen? Or are you simply cringing or annoyed at something benign?
Can You Come Back from “The Ick”?
Sometimes, yes. If the feeling is tied to unrealistic expectations or unconscious fears of intimacy, then it’s worth exploring your own emotional responses with curiosity. Therapy can definitely help you unpack whether the reaction is rooted in fear, something deeper or a legitimate boundary being crossed.
In my work with clients, I often guide them to pause and reflect:
What exactly about the behavior bothers you?
Does it remind you of something from your past?
Is your reaction about them, or about how being close makes you feel?
Naming the fear behind the ick often gives it less power. In some cases, clients realize they’re unconsciously pushing people away to protect themselves from getting hurt. In other cases, the “ick” becomes a clarifying moment: this connection doesn’t align with their values or what they are looking for.
How to Respond When You Get the Ick
Pause before acting. Don’t ghost someone or sabotage the connection immediately. Check in with yourself first.
Reflect on the root. Is this discomfort about them or what the relationship is stirring in you?
Talk it through. If it’s a recurring pattern in your dating life, therapy can help you explore attachment dynamics and fears of intimacy.
Be honest if it’s a no. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t feel right, but making that decision from a place of clarity, not fear or impulsivity, is key.
Conclusion
Experiencing “the ick” doesn’t automatically mean you’re superficial or broken. It means you’re human, and maybeee, a little scared. By learning to differentiate between discomfort that invites growth versus discomfort that signals misalignment, you can certainly date with more clarity, compassion, and confidence.
If you’re navigating dating anxiety, confusion about attraction, or recurring icks that feel hard to make sense of, therapy for women can help. I work with young women and young couples in NYC to explore these emotional patterns and build healthier, more empowered connections.
Reach out below if you’re ready to understand your relationship patterns and reconnect with your inner compass.
